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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Abby and Brooke

Brett and I couldn't have been more excited when we learned we were finally expecting! It took us a while to even become pregnant, so when we found out we were having twins we were beside ourselves, jumping up and down happy. Our prayers were answered. Our fur-kid would have siblings! Our wonderful parents would be grandparents and these babies would have the best aunts and uncles! How lucky were we?! Lucky and scared beyond belief that we would be responsible for not one, but two tiny humans!

I had no idea that celebrating the "new year" would turn out to be such a nightmare. How is it that the best, most magical days of your life can equally be the unimaginable, incomprehensible, worst? My beautiful twin daughters' births were incredible. They made me a mom, something I've always dreamed about. I am a mom who didn't get to bring her babies home to the nursery in which they were supposed to be up all night. I am a mom who will live with missing pieces of her heart for the rest of her life, wondering who her children would have been.

In the evening on January 1, I just didn't feel right, so we called the doctor. When my water broke a couple hours after the call, we immediately headed for the hospital. I was in a panic and hysterical because deep down I knew the fate of this was not going to be the outcome I wanted, and so desperately desired. I had done everything right. I was just at the doctor three days ago, and had been seen every two weeks through my entire high-risk pregnancy. How could this be happening?

It was quite a roller coaster of emotions as my husband, family, and I realized I would not be leaving the hospital until the babies were delivered. We were all praying I could continue to keep the girls safe for a few more days, and best case, a few more weeks so I could get steroid shots to develop their lungs. I told myself miracles do happen, so this was my time for a miracle. I needed the miracle. I was closely monitored all day and had few contractions. They even let me order lunch because I was stable. This was a good sign. The glimmer of hope we all had was soon shattered. Everything changed about 3:30 pm.

Little did I know, our entire world was about to be blown to pieces. I delivered my baby girls at 20 weeks.

Our first daughter, Abigail Jean, was born about 8 pm January 2, 2014.

Abby had her thumb immediately up by her sweet little mouth, she looked just like my husband. Brooklyn Marie was born the next morning and let out a little cry as she entered this world. She was my mini-me. I had no idea that even at that little I could see perfectly, who resembled who. Abby weighed 9.7 ounces and Brooke weighed 9.4 ounces. The time we spent with both girls was amazing. We were happy parents. Even through the tears, I will never forget the overwhelming joy I had seeing Brett hold and love our girls. I had no idea how it would feel to hold our very own baby for the first, and what would be last time. As any parent knows, holding your newborn for the first time is something words cannot describe. Believe me, I tried and nothing sounded right, so I'll just leave it at magical. I believe in magic. Both Abby and Brooke were held in our arms and showered with love until their tiny hearts stopped beating. The girls were perfect.

Perfect fingers, toes, ears, arms, legs and button noses. These little angels just needed more time to grow.

I often think how in the world could this be our life. I feel robbed.

I feel like someone ripped out my heart. This "new normal" sucks. This unimaginable pain of losing a child is more than most people experience in a life time, and my husband, family, and I experienced it twice, in two days. I hate every second but the girls send me signs when they know I need them the most. The signs come in many forms, one of my favorites is when the girls paint the sky in the brightest and prettiest pink and purple that I've ever seen. Sunsets are my favorite because it signifies I've made it one more day without my girls. Each sunrise holds more promise and each sunset holds more peace.

Despite all of the sad feelings, I know that these two special little girls were meant to help us change the world and to help other babies have a fighting chance at life. The girls showed me that miracles and magic are indeed very real. They are our miracles. Abigail and Brooklyn knew nothing but unconditional love their entire lives! Not a day goes by that I don't think about both of them. I love my girls so much and miss them dearly. I am a mom, even though my daughters have angel wings. More importantly, I am so happy to be their mom. I am the proud twin mommy of Abby and Brooke and will be walking in the March for Babies.

"Eyes closed, we're gonna spin through the stars." -DMB

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